Recent Comments

11/18/21, 5:42 PM
This is great! I had memories of the original reading some parts, the characters are all interesting and the build-up is unpecable! Could you please add the name of the POV characters? They were time I had no idea who was thinking what before several paragraphs. Was a bit confusing.

11/18/21, 8:02 PM
@BobbyBlobfish agreed

11/18/21, 10:57 PM
@BobbyBlobfish Yeah, this chapter has been done for a while. I actually forgot I hadn't put it up here, and gave myself a small heart attack when I came to see how it was doing and couldn't find it. I was afraid someone was going to say that. I was trying to have the last line before the POV switch direct the reader to who was going to be next instead of breaking the pace of the story with "(Character) POV"s everywhere. Were their specific transitions that caused confusion, or did the idea just not work at all?

11/20/21, 9:14 PM
@BobbyBlobfish @darkblade2814 I made an edit to hopefully clear up the POV switches. I'd be grateful if you guys could go through this chapter again to see if the transitions are better now.

11/21/21, 2:09 PM
@Johntheedoe Sorry I took so long to answer. For some, it was easy to figure out who it was, but for exemple, the first switch was about the football team. Without precising who amongst the football team we were following. The fact that there is such a huge cast mean it's really easy to lose track of who's who and where. Thanks for the small edits! Really helps to no end. =)
11/21/21, 1:49 PM
Wow... must be a pretty powerful fruit punch... Can't wait to read more of it...
11/21/21, 1:00 PM
WOW!! I love this first part of the story! Many interesting hints that make my fantasy go crazy...

Dylan
11/21/21, 1:20 PM
@ChrisGER Thk you sir! I hope you will like and comment the events in the next chapters as well ! Dylan
11/21/21, 4:36 AM
Very excited to see the next installment of this! Well done, man!

11/21/21, 9:31 AM
@Dace Thanks!
11/21/21, 7:44 AM
ahh dude great story i really loved the foot worship in part one
Gasuda
11/21/21, 5:31 AM
What a stunning reversal! The merging was hot, and Whit is finally, *finally* getting some of what he deserves. I can't wait to read more!

11/21/21, 7:14 AM
@Gasuda Thanks for your comment I've got almost 1,000 views on this chapter and you're the first to say anything, thank you! Feedback is always encouraged and I'm glad you're enjoying this. Whit is getting what he deserves, he could have taken the first deal but he was greedy. Oh well!
11/21/21, 1:29 AM
Needs more prurient details. Often leaves me hanging. Needs more building to the climaxes.

Dylan
11/21/21, 6:38 AM
@Lohengrin Thx sir, in my next installments i will more juicy details i guess
11/19/21, 11:15 PM
Took a bit to figure out who was narrating as the perspective shifted, but other than that easily fixable issue, I found this really hot, sexy and arousing. An incredible buildup that I can't wait to follow.

11/20/21, 9:08 PM
@Essex I have edited it to try and make it easier to tell who the POV switches to. I'd appreciate if people gave it another read through and told me if it's clearer now than it was before.
Kods
11/19/21, 11:50 AM
@Johntheedoe I think I caught that at one point, but now that you said that, it makes it easier to notice. However, I'd say we've been introduced to many characters so quickly that it's hard to keep track of them all. At this point providing a POV Header switch is easier for the readers. That said, I don't think the technique you implemented is a bad one inherently, but would be better suited if the story had a smaller cast, or used with a cast the readership knows intimately well that they can pick up on the different POV with context clues ( I.e. setting, their frame of mind, other charaters their with.) Even then might still trip up people. I think it's usually easier to do this techinque in third person though because all "I"s can run the same.

11/19/21, 1:22 PM
@Kods Agreed. The parts of the story I could follow were really hot, but I found it impossible to keep track of all the characters, and after about the second narrator shift, I just gave up trying to figure out who was talking.

11/20/21, 9:04 PM
@ Kods @Hypnothrill I've edited in some more lines to hopefully make it clearer who the POV switches to. If you guys would be willing to give it another read through and tell me if it's better or not I'd be grateful.
Ben
11/20/21, 7:33 AM
Another hot chapter!! Love it!!