Recent Comments

10/9/22, 4:48 AM
The misspellings were a bit offputting. The ending was logical but definitely left me unsatisfied. I can appreciate Luke controlling the situation, but it does darken his character when he makes Scott into a slave and that left a bad taste in my mouth. I generally enjoyed the overall arc of the story and commend you on writing this piece of work. Please keep writing in this vein so I can have something else to study and set up my military/police story writing.

10/9/22, 6:04 AM
@[New Guy in Town](/user/show/820450) Grammer and mechanics are very much a weak spot, so I appreciate you reading through them. I can understand not liking the ending, I knew not everyone would but this was who Luke became as I wrote him and in part it's his fantasy, one he never expected to really happen and the way it did pissed him off. I do plan on writing more, I already have two other military themed stories in progress but it will be some time before either are done.

10/9/22, 5:41 PM
@[sirjocktrainer](/user/show/949652) On the grammar and mechanics point, I would recommend using the Read Aloud function in Microsoft Word to catch some of the odd-sounding sentences and phrases. I know it helps and even though I switched writing programs, I see having Microsoft Word read through the draft helps me a bunch. I think you should've made Luke's inner conflict part of the story. Conflict is really what drives any story and seeing that conflict in Luke would have made the change more understandable and more accessible to the reader. But it's a lesson learned and you yourself understood the choice you made. Again, I'm looking forward to seeing what you come up with.

10/9/22, 8:31 PM
@[New Guy in Town](/user/show/820450) Read Aloud is so slow, but it would likely help. Do you write in something other than Word? Luke was never meant to be the focus of the story, it was always meant to be about Alex be careless and getting caught in his own spell with Scott to be the outside view, Luke was just the other side, it's why his chunks were either smaller or focused on Alex. Not sure which I'll post next but either a one-shot Military Drones story, or the first part of a series about a Seal that ends up making a deal.

10/9/22, 11:56 PM
@[sirjocktrainer](/user/show/949652) I switched to using Scrivener for my stories; I just liked that I could keep all the chapters together and see them grouped all together. Plus liked that there are elements to develop characters and places as well as keep notes. So Word nowadays is where I do my non-fiction writing and Scrivener is where I do my fiction writing. Whatever story you put out next, I'll be looking out for it. If you need someone to proofread the work, feel free to let me know.

10/10/22, 2:50 AM
@[New Guy in Town](/user/show/820450) I'd never heard of Scrivener before, it looks like it build for large scale projects. If I remember I might very well reach out. Thanks.
Anonymous
10/8/22, 10:49 AM
Love it! Thanks for posting it.

10/10/22, 1:03 AM
@[Jock](/user/show/1004354) and i appreciate anyone bothering to read my work
Carus
10/9/22, 10:39 PM
Grammerly, even the free one, can often pick up misspellings that are spelled right but not the right word, so if you're looking then maybe give that a try otherwise I'm sure myself or somone else can help edit any stories.

10/9/22, 11:18 PM
@[Carus](/user/show/10001298) I tend to be too lazy to deal with those and just re read it myself. I might have to do more before I post the next story here.
10/9/22, 12:40 PM
how long the wait is, desperate...
10/9/22, 3:53 AM
This final is surprising... fair. Much less dark and dense than I thought. Maybe because the future stayed between the lines. I think many, like me, expected Scott and a future army of hypno-slaves from Luke Petrekka. But Luke, who sometimes acted like a sociopath, turned out to be more Lawful than Evil. I must say I liked the ending. The pace is amazing and the characters too. Congratulations.

10/9/22, 6:00 AM
@[Sexcrab](/user/show/10027159) Thank you. I did go back and forth a few times whether or not to have Luke use the spell on Scott but in the end I decided that Luke wasn't power mad just because he wanted to break and mold someone, he wanted that man to want it too. So, I am happy you enjoyed the ending.
10/8/22, 6:43 AM
Something tells me that this ending won't be exactly surprising, quite the opposite, but it won't stop being good nonetheless.

10/8/22, 2:52 PM
@[Sexcrab](/user/show/10027159) To me a good ending shouldn't be a surprise, it might not go exactly as you expect but it should make since given the characters which if I've done my job you should know well enough to know what they're mostly going to do. So it sounds like I'm doing my job right.
10/8/22, 2:41 PM
Excellent tale of transformation, i loved reading it while myself locked up in device
Martin
10/8/22, 8:47 AM
Dylan, why don't you user the site's editor official "insert image" button to insert an image? That way it'll be done properly!

Dylan
10/8/22, 9:10 AM
@[Martin](/user/show/125990) I was not on here for almost one year, and now i am kinda blown away by all the changes. I will try to work it out 👍
bucke
10/8/22, 12:15 AM
Can't believe there is only one more part left. I'm greedy for more. I love it because while I can predict somewhat what will happen next, some other aspects I have no idea how you will end it so am very excited for the last part, but also sad that it'll be the end. I know you said after the end you didn't really see a way to continue, but do you plan on writing more here? I love your stuff and I feel like this more uniform/military aspect is not as common to see on this site.

10/8/22, 4:43 AM
@bucke I hope I leave you wanting more but also satisfied with the ending. And I do plan on writing more, I already have the first part of another story (also military themed) written and I might post it as I write it which will mean long periods between chapters but also that readers can help inspire what comes next in some ways. We'll have to see how that comes. But yes I enjoy both military and uniforms so they will be strong themes for me.
Zero
10/7/22, 2:43 PM
ooh interesting are we gonna see both brothers fall under the sway of the commander?

10/7/22, 10:23 PM
@Zero One more part to find out